| How To Organize A Reunion with Your Kids? |
By David Perdew |
|
Parents who abandoned their kids, for whatever reason,
have a long, hard road ahead if they want a reunion
with there kids. God Bless you if you've got the
dedication required to make it happen. As the years
roll by, Absentee parents who want to reconnect with their
kids face severe obstacles:
1) Fear - How will you be received by the kids if you
can get to them?
2) Access - Will the ex-partner allow you to return?
3) Acceptance - Will the kid even want to talk to you?
There's no simple answer to overcoming these obstacles.
But getting support and working with a team of mentors
to advise you every step of the way is key.
And then there's the kids. Acceptance really depends on
how angry the kids are with you.
My friend and mentor Gerald reunited with his two
daughters after several years. One accepted him and
built a great relationship, and the other wanted
nothing to do with him now or ever.
Assuming a parent overcomes the fear and the kids acceptance
is an unknown factor, the remaining factor is access -
approaching the ex-spouse.
In his book, The Prodigal Father, Mark Bryan writes,
"I knew she must feel abandoned, just as I felt driven
away. There was validity to both our perspectives, but
I could see this only after repeated sessions with
pencil and paper, writing through my wounded feelings
until I could see not only the pain, but the painful
facts: I had surrendered my rights and my power to
Betsy (his ex-wife) - and tried to blame her for my
wrongs."
Preparation and getting clear on paper before
attempting a reunion with the ex-partner very important.
Here are a few tips to help:
* Don't try to connect the child before you connect
with the child's other parent. That will be seen as an act of
war.
* Don't use the phone. Don't show up at the door. Don't
do anything - except find a mentor who previews and
approves all your plans. And listen closely to what the
mentor tells you.
Where do you find a mentor? Locally, find a
psychologist who specializes in parenting issues. Check
with ministers who you respect. Talk to other dads to
find someone who has gone through this before.
Join online support groups or work with online
parenting coaches such as Mark Bryan at
http://www.prodigalfather.com or Mark Brandenburg at
www.markbrandenburg.com.
* Resolve your anger. If you hold any resentments
against your ex-partner, get rid of them. Go back to the
mentor and do whatever it takes. If you try to re-enter
the ex's world while still blaming them for ANYTHING,
your reunion will not happen.
* Make the initial contact by letter. Never send the
letter until it's approved by your mentors. The wrong
words and wrong attitude will nix your chances to
reunite.
* After the initial contact, do whatever your ex asks
as conditions to reunite. Remember, you basically gave
up your rights as a parent and must humble yourself.
* Being humble doesn't mean you can't negotiate. If
they
request all the back money you owe, pay it if you've
got it. If you don't, say so and ask for terms. Keep
the conversation going without the emotions of the
past. Remember, this is mostly a business arrangement,
not a marital negotiation.
Good luck. And stay involved in your kids' lives.
Sincerely,
David Perdew
*****************************************************
PS: If you have experiences or ideas you'd like to
contribute, forward them to me at support@bad-dad.com
and I'll include them in future publications. Or voice
your comments at http://www.WorldWantingPeace.com |
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